Grief of Sunset

When you left, slowly and steadily, in the horizon,

All of us were grieving,
At first there was denial,
look at the sky it is still blue,
look at the birds, chirping and flying
look at sea still so still yet dancing

Then came anger,
And sky turned red, so annoyed, like hot lava pouring..
then you started bargaining,
I will be here, look in the mirror hung there
You can see my light in different shapes
weaning and waxing, calming and romancing..

When no conversation was fruitful, you decided to leave
Turning the ocean into darkest shade of black..

My heart was so heavy, my pain piercing my soul..
My eyes adjusted to see some faint lines of waves
And a crescent hung over with your light
and small stars twinkling, saying it is not so bad..

I had accepted your departure and found solace in arms of sleep 

As 2021 comes to an end, we remember the year as one which took away near and dear ones from a lot of us.. It will be a year of grief for mankind.. It taught us life moves on, whatever happens we will bounce back, we will create metaverse, we will do work from anywhere, we will adapt, we will survive, we will shoulder our share of responsibilities.. We will face and conquer our griefs!!! Show must and will go on and on!! ( Till machines take over from us.. :D)

Empty!

Sometimes I want to pour my heart, on a piece of paper..

Drench it with intense emotions..

So much so that drying it is impossible...

I want to empty the mind letter by letter

All the words, all the alphabets, all of the equations,

pour it on paper for once and all..

Feel the emptiness, the nothing, absolute nowhere..

If I really do it, say today, say now

Will I be lost or will I be found by me?

To know the very question each time I start

But stop, somewhere fearing, I might lose it somewhere...

How vulnerable are our girls??

I will be hitting that 30 mark in little more than a year...  I am happily married.. Juggling personal life with a career.. Planning a baby.. Everything sounds as normal as it can..
But, the moment I think of producing a baby I get scared..  I remember my childhood and teenage.. And I start thinking what if I have a girl child??
I was fortunate to be born inspite being a girl.. Atleast skewed sex ratio in India makes me think that.. I was extremely lucky to be a part of a middle class family where my parents belong to a generation that did everything to make best education possible for their children i.e. me and my sister..  And did not crumble to question,  no son?  forcing us to share limited means with even more sisters..
So why am I worried about my yet to be conceived daughter?? I have sone incidents to share to elobrate..  A very bad uncle kissed me on my lips when I was around 5 years old.. That too in my own house.. How dare he did it?? Why my parents did not stop it from happening??  May be it happened only once in my life because they were vigilant..  Or may be they found out because I did not find that uncle in my house ever again...
As I reached my teens things worsened.. Being a girl and having a developing female body and hormonal transition was enough trouble in itself, but those hands trying to touch me at unexpected places was just not bearable..  In a wedding on a gola stall, I was getting one for me and another for my dad.. I was still 13, so young.. Some guy touched me in most inappropriate way.. I had no courage to tell my dad... Later when dad send my sister to get one for herself I was on guard.. I still wish I could go back in time, see who did it and kill him instantly.. So Much hatred it developed towards men in general,  I was running away from all of them..  Still it did not help much.. Getting oggled at public places,  being harassed in trains, busses, parks, and other crowded places made me stop travelling by public transport but the auto wallas were not better either.. 
When my sister started having her share of bad experiences I was totally baffled.. That friendly grocery shop vendor, to the uncle next door who was coincidently father of two daughters himself and the pujari of the society temple.. All were bastards.. No one was worth the trust..
Parents tried to maintain distance with the sick people but a newer 'uncle' kept popping from here and there..
My little sister had come to an conclusion that being good looking is a bad thing in this world..  She secretly hate the fact that she is beautiful as per the society standards as I did once..
It was kind of watching myself growing up again in a very insecure environment except this time it was much more painful.. Although the scars were lighter..

If I have a daughter,  I can't promise I can save her from these wolves who come as uncles.. How much independence I can take away from her in name of security?? How much life experience can I teach her without letting her travel.. I can make her tell me everything as my mom gave me and sister power to do so.. But like her will I be forced to keep peace and maintain distance??  Will it be possible to pull the mask from these vultures.???

Can I have a daughter and not worry about this?? How do you deal with this if you are parents of growing up girls?? Or you just let her earn the experience so she could have inspiration to invent time machine and go back to the place where she was harassed badly and kill that person or at least castrate him..?!?

I still need courage to write this question but I need to seek the answers....

Mad world

I am romancing in my head since sometime.. I am romancing with the idea of mediocracy.. In our skewed mad world, extremism is so much glorified that sweet mediocracy just cannot be himself...  He has to fight like hercules, think like a birbal , look like George Clooney and many more such things.. And if he can't he has to pretend he is trying to... Atleast that.. So less to ask... 

Ahhh.. Dont think I am in that mood where people keep blaming rat race for all the incompetence existing on the planet.. 

In fact I am talking about a situation where a poor rat runs a race because he has to.. He lose the race because he is not the best.. (There will be only one best; and millions are running..  So Ok..) And he can still be fine with it, without judging himself.. Enjoying it, happy and comfortable in his skin...

It really bothers me how human civilizations have grown up in these last 10,000 years.. We are species with abundance.. But ironically we are also the most greedy species.. When someone says animalistic instinct, I think of a wild cat hunting because she is very hungry and not because in future she might produce babies and they will get hungry or say their babies would need food .. And when someone says human behaviour,  I think of greed, the fight for power, discarding anything and everything that is not of use to me.. Misusing each and every resource available to us in abundance.. And yes most importantly creating very competitive stress creating environment where all will run and run.. One person will win only to loose one day and join league of millions of mediocre in search of dillusioned happiness and get comfort in sadness of being not special.. Many start writing wishing I will be the "best" heartbroken poet.. And I think I made it clear where it is heading to..
So I am romancing the idea of being a happy mediocre, enjoying life as it pass by.. You know by being simply happy..

Did you say something??

Ahhh..

It is one of those days.. I am not able to sleep at 12:30a.m. I have no clue why??
I do ahave clue why I can't sleep but I have no clue why I am unable to stop thinking excessively about my generally clue less life..
I am no philosopher burning mid night oil.. I have a desktop in office and I have to burn myself in front of it tomorrow as well..
I am scared, scared of all the ifs the life can offer me.. I feel unprepared for any unpredictable incident.. The agnostic in me is not ready to bend before God for help.. In situation like this people find a great relief there..
Actually in situations like me nobody goes running after God.. My today is as it is meant to be.. My tomorrow is what is worrying me so much..
Saying this I feel so funny and enlighten together.. I feel funny because yoga day is approaching and I am unnecessary worrying about the tomorrows that might not happen.. And I feel enlighten because if the generations gone by would have spread this yoga properly my world would be a much better place to live or say worry.. Who in there good mind don't want to sit on beach in maldives sipping coconut water and worrying about future?
Ahh.. That is life.. And this is life too.. :-) scared is an emotion I will overcome but dream less reality is truth hard to deal with..

Baba...

If I let my mind wander,
It goes back to you,
Those two; pair of eyes,
Stare at me from far behind...
I want to cry and shout,
I want to bring you back...
You are there somewhere???
Or you just left us forever?????
I am insane, illogical and in pain..
I just have one question Baba..
Will we never meet again?????


With my emptiness I wander to find so many question unanswered but this one haunts me the most!!
I am missing you Baba if you are here somewhere!!!

Serene rains

The reds,  the greens
The yellows and the blues..
The cherries,  the blossoms
The leaves and the hues..
It is all changing
And changing for good
Wet and drenched
Vibrant and cleaned
Rains have done something
That I have never seen..     
Oh my love, my life..
It is all fresh, all serene..:-)