I will be hitting that 30 mark in little more than a year... I am happily married.. Juggling personal life with a career.. Planning a baby.. Everything sounds as normal as it can..
But, the moment I think of producing a baby I get scared.. I remember my childhood and teenage.. And I start thinking what if I have a girl child??
I was fortunate to be born inspite being a girl.. Atleast skewed sex ratio in India makes me think that.. I was extremely lucky to be a part of a middle class family where my parents belong to a generation that did everything to make best education possible for their children i.e. me and my sister.. And did not crumble to question, no son? forcing us to share limited means with even more sisters..
So why am I worried about my yet to be conceived daughter?? I have sone incidents to share to elobrate.. A very bad uncle kissed me on my lips when I was around 5 years old.. That too in my own house.. How dare he did it?? Why my parents did not stop it from happening?? May be it happened only once in my life because they were vigilant.. Or may be they found out because I did not find that uncle in my house ever again...
As I reached my teens things worsened.. Being a girl and having a developing female body and hormonal transition was enough trouble in itself, but those hands trying to touch me at unexpected places was just not bearable.. In a wedding on a gola stall, I was getting one for me and another for my dad.. I was still 13, so young.. Some guy touched me in most inappropriate way.. I had no courage to tell my dad... Later when dad send my sister to get one for herself I was on guard.. I still wish I could go back in time, see who did it and kill him instantly.. So Much hatred it developed towards men in general, I was running away from all of them.. Still it did not help much.. Getting oggled at public places, being harassed in trains, busses, parks, and other crowded places made me stop travelling by public transport but the auto wallas were not better either..
When my sister started having her share of bad experiences I was totally baffled.. That friendly grocery shop vendor, to the uncle next door who was coincidently father of two daughters himself and the pujari of the society temple.. All were bastards.. No one was worth the trust..
Parents tried to maintain distance with the sick people but a newer 'uncle' kept popping from here and there..
My little sister had come to an conclusion that being good looking is a bad thing in this world.. She secretly hate the fact that she is beautiful as per the society standards as I did once..
It was kind of watching myself growing up again in a very insecure environment except this time it was much more painful.. Although the scars were lighter..
If I have a daughter, I can't promise I can save her from these wolves who come as uncles.. How much independence I can take away from her in name of security?? How much life experience can I teach her without letting her travel.. I can make her tell me everything as my mom gave me and sister power to do so.. But like her will I be forced to keep peace and maintain distance?? Will it be possible to pull the mask from these vultures.???
Can I have a daughter and not worry about this?? How do you deal with this if you are parents of growing up girls?? Or you just let her earn the experience so she could have inspiration to invent time machine and go back to the place where she was harassed badly and kill that person or at least castrate him..?!?
I still need courage to write this question but I need to seek the answers....
